I'm 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant and feeling very DONE.
I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally spent.
I don't want to leave my house because I'm afriad I might punch the next person that stupidly says "you're STILL pregnant"...OBVIOUSLY I'm STILL pregnant, and I could remain this way for 3 1/2 more weeks, so suck it. Yes, that means I will not be scheduling an induction if I happen to pass my "estimated" due date...so stop asking that silly question, too, please.
I'm annoyed at the random people that feel inclined to inquire about the status of my vagina...it's none of your business, not to mention, it doesn't matter. This baby will come when he wants to come, and *gasp* I'm okay with that.
I want to take garbage bags and throw away everything in my house, because I have lost my mind and it all looks like clutter to me. I think I could be in a completely empty room and still think it looks cluttered.
I want to compulsively eat cherry pies from McDonalds.
I want to soak in a hot bath for hours, transport myself to a state of zen-like bliss, have a glass of wine and talk sweetly to my unborn baby-- nevermind, reality called-- instead I'd settle for a 10 minute, toddler free shower and assure my yet to be born that I will not let said toddler poke his eyes out.
Low Standards?
I was talking to another mom the other day when she told me that her 2 1/2 year old "used the F word." As I started raising my eyebrows in surprise she informed me that in their house, the "F word" is "fart"...um, really?
It was at that moment I realized I must have really low standards of what is appropriate for toddlers to say.
See, at our house, farts are funny- as are most other bodily functions.
So yeah, I have the kid that farts and laughs about it, and says the word fart and laughs about it. Oh, and it's also likely she'll be that kid that tells your kid how babies are made and where they come from.
It was at that moment I realized I must have really low standards of what is appropriate for toddlers to say.
See, at our house, farts are funny- as are most other bodily functions.
So yeah, I have the kid that farts and laughs about it, and says the word fart and laughs about it. Oh, and it's also likely she'll be that kid that tells your kid how babies are made and where they come from.
Next time, I'll just cut off my toe
So, we won't talk about the fact that I've neglected this blog for months. Eh, life happens and I've been busy doing things, like gestating another human...
Since Mia discovered her ability to run, it has become nearly impossible to take her anywhere where there would be even a slight expectation for her to remain seated for more than 30 seconds.
I needed to have new tires put on my car today. I had an appointment and decided to take Mia with me, thinking how long can that possibly take? Apparently it was going to take about an hour. Okay, no problem I thought, We'll just walk to a coffee shop and hang out for a bit. Normally, this particular coffee shop is not that crowded on a Monday at 10 am, but today it was packed. Mia loves people, noise and being the center of attention, so I immediately knew this would likely not end well. I found an empty couch, took our coats off and ordered a chai and a slice of blueberry spice cake. Of course, Mia is running all over the place while we're in line, but I tried not to worry as I had brought along plenty for her to do.
I sit her down with me on the couch and before I can even get her a forkful of cake she is trying to get down. I block her in with my leg and share my cake with her as she squirms and climbs all over the place. I get out books 1, 2 and 3 that I brought...not interested. Same story with her doll, play phone and her favorite beaded necklace. I get her sippy cup and some more snacks, still not interested. All she wants to do is run around and she is starting to let out little high pitched shrieks of protest. In a moment of desperation I hand her my cell phone. I turn to take a sip of my chai and she leaves the phone on the couch and takes off. Normally, she will sit for long periods of time and play with any electronic gadget you give her, so her ignoring the phone was a big deal. To the front of the shop she ran, where she found a studying college girl to entertain, waving at her and dancing...then on to the man with a newspaper...then the group that looked engaged in some sort of business discussion...then to the glass door to leave her slobber and crumb covered hand prints. I pick her up and take her back to our spot. I try to settle her on the couch and distract her with anything I could think of. She takes off again and repeats the above...four times until I decide it's time for us to make our exit because she has captivated many and they are all staring. I put her in the stroller and try to put her coat on, she stiffens like a board and tries to slide out onto the floor. I try again, only this time she manages to get down to the floor. Now she is lying on the floor wailing and I am forced to wrestle her coat on her as she tantrums away. I want to throw a tantrum too. I manage to get her strapped in the stroller and on our way out the door my bag gets stuck, knocking my chai out of the cup holder and sailing to the ground, fortunately it landed outside. I look at my phone, it's been exactly 18 minutes since we left the tire shop.
What are we going to do for 45 minutes?!?! Shopping was out, as most of the stores where we were have very narrow aisles that make navigating a stoller difficult, as well as giving little hands lots of breakable things to reach out and grab. And have I mentioned that Mia doesn't really like being confined in a stroller, or anywhere else?? So we just started walking. Eventhough it was a nice day for November, it was still a chilly 37 degrees and breezy...at this point I felt like we had no other option, so we just kept walking. I kept getting disapproving looks from people as if to say "why are you out walking in the cold with a baby?" I thought to myself as I smiled back at them, trust me, you don't want us wherever it is you're going.
And then it starts to rain, perfect. I dash into a nearby baby store and find to my delight that there is not a single other person in there, and they have a large selection of Sandra Boynton board books. So now, since there is no one she feels compelled to entertain, Mia decides to accept the snacks I brought and happily flip through books. The tire shop calls, my car is ready the end is in sight.
As I'm paying for my new tires the guy behind the counter informs me that I have a wheel bearing (whatever that is) that needs to be replaced and it will cost approximately $431...I thought about asking him if he just wanted to keep my toddler and call it even.
Since Mia discovered her ability to run, it has become nearly impossible to take her anywhere where there would be even a slight expectation for her to remain seated for more than 30 seconds.
I needed to have new tires put on my car today. I had an appointment and decided to take Mia with me, thinking how long can that possibly take? Apparently it was going to take about an hour. Okay, no problem I thought, We'll just walk to a coffee shop and hang out for a bit. Normally, this particular coffee shop is not that crowded on a Monday at 10 am, but today it was packed. Mia loves people, noise and being the center of attention, so I immediately knew this would likely not end well. I found an empty couch, took our coats off and ordered a chai and a slice of blueberry spice cake. Of course, Mia is running all over the place while we're in line, but I tried not to worry as I had brought along plenty for her to do.
I sit her down with me on the couch and before I can even get her a forkful of cake she is trying to get down. I block her in with my leg and share my cake with her as she squirms and climbs all over the place. I get out books 1, 2 and 3 that I brought...not interested. Same story with her doll, play phone and her favorite beaded necklace. I get her sippy cup and some more snacks, still not interested. All she wants to do is run around and she is starting to let out little high pitched shrieks of protest. In a moment of desperation I hand her my cell phone. I turn to take a sip of my chai and she leaves the phone on the couch and takes off. Normally, she will sit for long periods of time and play with any electronic gadget you give her, so her ignoring the phone was a big deal. To the front of the shop she ran, where she found a studying college girl to entertain, waving at her and dancing...then on to the man with a newspaper...then the group that looked engaged in some sort of business discussion...then to the glass door to leave her slobber and crumb covered hand prints. I pick her up and take her back to our spot. I try to settle her on the couch and distract her with anything I could think of. She takes off again and repeats the above...four times until I decide it's time for us to make our exit because she has captivated many and they are all staring. I put her in the stroller and try to put her coat on, she stiffens like a board and tries to slide out onto the floor. I try again, only this time she manages to get down to the floor. Now she is lying on the floor wailing and I am forced to wrestle her coat on her as she tantrums away. I want to throw a tantrum too. I manage to get her strapped in the stroller and on our way out the door my bag gets stuck, knocking my chai out of the cup holder and sailing to the ground, fortunately it landed outside. I look at my phone, it's been exactly 18 minutes since we left the tire shop.
What are we going to do for 45 minutes?!?! Shopping was out, as most of the stores where we were have very narrow aisles that make navigating a stoller difficult, as well as giving little hands lots of breakable things to reach out and grab. And have I mentioned that Mia doesn't really like being confined in a stroller, or anywhere else?? So we just started walking. Eventhough it was a nice day for November, it was still a chilly 37 degrees and breezy...at this point I felt like we had no other option, so we just kept walking. I kept getting disapproving looks from people as if to say "why are you out walking in the cold with a baby?" I thought to myself as I smiled back at them, trust me, you don't want us wherever it is you're going.
And then it starts to rain, perfect. I dash into a nearby baby store and find to my delight that there is not a single other person in there, and they have a large selection of Sandra Boynton board books. So now, since there is no one she feels compelled to entertain, Mia decides to accept the snacks I brought and happily flip through books. The tire shop calls, my car is ready the end is in sight.
As I'm paying for my new tires the guy behind the counter informs me that I have a wheel bearing (whatever that is) that needs to be replaced and it will cost approximately $431...I thought about asking him if he just wanted to keep my toddler and call it even.
Early
The Baby has become a morning person...a very early morning person. I am not. I don't know how this relationship is going to work.
Oh, and she's teething like a beast, AGAIN, which is also super fun.
Oh, and she's teething like a beast, AGAIN, which is also super fun.
Starbucks, you rained on my parade
So I left Target today without spending $100...seriously, people, this is like a Christmas miracle. I'm all happy like and decide that I deserve a latte and a cupcake for my efforts...off to the Starbucks drive thru I go...
Barista: How can I help you?
Me: I'd like a grande latte and a vanilla cupcake, please
Barista: a grande vanilla latte and a vanilla cupcake?
Me: NO, a PLAIN latte and a vanilla cupcake
Barista: Ok
sitting in my car at the window waiting to pay...
Barista: We don't have vanilla cupcakes today, how about chocolate?
Me: No thanks, do you have red velvet today?
Barista: No, we only have those for Valentines day, how about a chocolate cupcake?
at this point in the convo, I realize she must be new or totally dense, or maybe both...see, I just had a red velvet cupcake a couple of weeks ago
Me: no thank you
Barista: How about a donut with birthday sprinkles, those are just like cupcakes.
um, I am a conniseuer of cupcakes and I can assure you that donuts and cupcakes are not even on the same playing field
Me: no, just the latte
Barista: Are you sure, they're really just like cupcakes
Me: JUST THE COFFEE, PLEASE
Barista: If you're feeling adventurous you could try our raspberry swirl coffee cake
seriously lady, you are really starting to annoy me greatly
Me: JUST. THE. COFFEE. PLEASE. I. WANTED. A. VANILLA. CUPCAKE
Barista: here you go
as I drive away, I breathe a sigh of relief and take a sip of my plain latte...except it's a freaking VANILLA LATTE!!!!! @#$&%*(!&^^)
It's probably good that I didn't ask for a fat free, sugar free caramel macchiato sub hazelnut instead of the vanilla...because there is a strong possibility I would have been given a dirty kitchen sponge in a cup, along with a stupid birthday donut.
Barista: How can I help you?
Me: I'd like a grande latte and a vanilla cupcake, please
Barista: a grande vanilla latte and a vanilla cupcake?
Me: NO, a PLAIN latte and a vanilla cupcake
Barista: Ok
sitting in my car at the window waiting to pay...
Barista: We don't have vanilla cupcakes today, how about chocolate?
Me: No thanks, do you have red velvet today?
Barista: No, we only have those for Valentines day, how about a chocolate cupcake?
at this point in the convo, I realize she must be new or totally dense, or maybe both...see, I just had a red velvet cupcake a couple of weeks ago
Me: no thank you
Barista: How about a donut with birthday sprinkles, those are just like cupcakes.
um, I am a conniseuer of cupcakes and I can assure you that donuts and cupcakes are not even on the same playing field
Me: no, just the latte
Barista: Are you sure, they're really just like cupcakes
Me: JUST THE COFFEE, PLEASE
Barista: If you're feeling adventurous you could try our raspberry swirl coffee cake
seriously lady, you are really starting to annoy me greatly
Me: JUST. THE. COFFEE. PLEASE. I. WANTED. A. VANILLA. CUPCAKE
Barista: here you go
as I drive away, I breathe a sigh of relief and take a sip of my plain latte...except it's a freaking VANILLA LATTE!!!!! @#$&%*(!&^^)
It's probably good that I didn't ask for a fat free, sugar free caramel macchiato sub hazelnut instead of the vanilla...because there is a strong possibility I would have been given a dirty kitchen sponge in a cup, along with a stupid birthday donut.
Foodie Friday
Grilled Asparagus with Balsamic Glaze
You need:
some fresh asparagus
a lemon, zested and juiced
some olive oil
1 clove of garlic, minced
balsamic vinegar
kosher salt
pepper
Directions:
1. mix together 1/2 to all of the lemon juice (depending on the size of the lemon and your taste), some olive oil (a few Tbsp) and the minced garlic 2. Thread your asparagus onto skewers and brush with the lemon mixture, sprinkle with salt and pepper 3. Add some balsamic vinegar (around 1 1/2 cups) and the lemon zest to a pan and reduce it over medium heat until it becomes the consistency of a glaze 4. Grill your asparagus and drizzle the balsamic glaze over it before serving.
Note: Be careful when reducing the balsamic that you don't get it too thick, or it will become the consistency of tar and have a bitter taste once you remove it from the heat (not that I've done this or anything)
You need:
some fresh asparagus
a lemon, zested and juiced
some olive oil
1 clove of garlic, minced
balsamic vinegar
kosher salt
pepper
Directions:
1. mix together 1/2 to all of the lemon juice (depending on the size of the lemon and your taste), some olive oil (a few Tbsp) and the minced garlic 2. Thread your asparagus onto skewers and brush with the lemon mixture, sprinkle with salt and pepper 3. Add some balsamic vinegar (around 1 1/2 cups) and the lemon zest to a pan and reduce it over medium heat until it becomes the consistency of a glaze 4. Grill your asparagus and drizzle the balsamic glaze over it before serving.
Note: Be careful when reducing the balsamic that you don't get it too thick, or it will become the consistency of tar and have a bitter taste once you remove it from the heat (not that I've done this or anything)
A Lot of Nothing
I have basically have a whole lot of NOTHING today...
So as I was backing out of my drive way this morning I noticed the guy across the street was mowing his lawn...again. You see, he just mowed his lawn yesterday on a riding lawn mower and now is out with a push mower...probably trimming the edges of the lawn, I thought to myself. Nope, wrong...it seems his purpose is simply to be mowing perfectly diagonal lines in his already mowed grass. Dear God, I sincerely hope I find fulfillment in way cooler things than diagonal grass lines when I am retired...
As I was driving to get a cup of coffee, I noticed a woman running down the on ramp to the interstate chasing ducks, yes she was chasing ducks. I naturally just assumed she was crazy...then I saw an animal control vehicle parked along the interstate and it made more sense...wait, no it doesn't, I still don't get why she was chasing ducks.
It seems the Baby may have inherited my love for Target. Whenever we pull into the Target parking lot she starts squealing with delight as soon as the car stops. She doesn't do this when we arrive at other destinaions.
I love the smell of bleach. It makes me think sterile, happy, clean thoughts. I KNOW it's terrible in many ways...but I can't help myself. I only use it for two things...to get the stink out of my cloth diapers and to clean the kitchen sink. Bleaching the kitchen sink never fails to lift my mood and make me happy. I am convinced it is the dirtiest place in my house.
So as I was backing out of my drive way this morning I noticed the guy across the street was mowing his lawn...again. You see, he just mowed his lawn yesterday on a riding lawn mower and now is out with a push mower...probably trimming the edges of the lawn, I thought to myself. Nope, wrong...it seems his purpose is simply to be mowing perfectly diagonal lines in his already mowed grass. Dear God, I sincerely hope I find fulfillment in way cooler things than diagonal grass lines when I am retired...
As I was driving to get a cup of coffee, I noticed a woman running down the on ramp to the interstate chasing ducks, yes she was chasing ducks. I naturally just assumed she was crazy...then I saw an animal control vehicle parked along the interstate and it made more sense...wait, no it doesn't, I still don't get why she was chasing ducks.
It seems the Baby may have inherited my love for Target. Whenever we pull into the Target parking lot she starts squealing with delight as soon as the car stops. She doesn't do this when we arrive at other destinaions.
I love the smell of bleach. It makes me think sterile, happy, clean thoughts. I KNOW it's terrible in many ways...but I can't help myself. I only use it for two things...to get the stink out of my cloth diapers and to clean the kitchen sink. Bleaching the kitchen sink never fails to lift my mood and make me happy. I am convinced it is the dirtiest place in my house.
this. is. love.
