The Hardest Thing

Last night one of my friends asked me what the hardest part of mamahood is..."is it the sleep deprivation?" No.

For me the hardest part has been trying to reconnect with that little piece of ME that disappeared the day I birthed my offspring. See, I would be lying if I told you I didn't sometimes long for my pre-baby days as a woman, wife or friend. I still am all of those people, but as soon as that cord was cut I was suddenly morphed into a mama and my identity as a woman, wife and friend became forever changed. I wasn't naive to think that my life was not going to change, but I wasn't prepared for how I would buck at the change instead of embracing it.

Now, let me make it clear that I am not unhappy with my life, AT ALL. I love my baby with a rawness of emotion that I can't put into words. Now, I didn't have many expectations when I became a mama, but what expectations I did have were minimal and simplistic, or so I thought. Like Expectation #1- I will have a baby that will quietly lay swaddled in a crib, looking sweet and angelic...similar to the images I'd conjured up in my head of a contented looking baby Jesus. SHATTERED!! What I got instead was a loud, vocal, positionally challenged baby that either needed to have a boob in her mouth or be held in an upright position next to another human AT.ALL.TIMES...all while being in constant motion. It was more like a circus act than a portrait of contentment. Today she has a fiery spirit, she's intense and opinionated and independent, and her emotions are written all over her face...and she's all MINE, and I wouldn't change an ounce of who she is or who she will become.

Okay so my point is that I do not feel like God put me on this earth solely for the purpose of bearing children. I believe I have been called to do many things. So at this stage of the game my challenge is is to find a way to not become so entangled with my baby that she BECOMES my identity. It's a delicate balance and it's hard. Some day she will be grown and I want there to be a piece of ME left when that happens, instead of a large, gaping hole.